they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
