Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
