I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
last night I used snow as a chaser
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
