Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I am puke
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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