I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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