dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
