update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
