I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
