i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
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