I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
