If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
