Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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