A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Randomize
