dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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