oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
