Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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