I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize