someone threw a dead crab at me
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
