just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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