Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Randomize
