i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
My cat gives me a boner
You're earring is so big in my mouth
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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