god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Just cropdusted the office
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
