so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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