this beer tastes like vomit already
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
