Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
