I just found puke in my bra..
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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