my mouth tastes like poor choices
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
