He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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