Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
