My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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