he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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