she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
and you fell through a lawn chair
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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