Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
