Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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