The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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