who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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