I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize
