new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
