I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
