I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
