I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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