i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
