that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
