Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize