I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
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