i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
