i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
