Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
