he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
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