enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
