just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
