Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
did i walk over a car last night?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Randomize
