apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
