my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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