new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
