Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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