I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
