imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
