I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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