Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
